I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
