i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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