You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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