Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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