end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
