Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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