Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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