Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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