i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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