strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
