I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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