did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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