1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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