She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
