I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
