i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
if i died would you start the facebook group?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
