I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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