I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
