can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
