she woke up with a sticky ear
it was like his penis was on wheels.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
