i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize