She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
