oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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