Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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