You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
