watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
