I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
