god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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