guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
