I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
