Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
