When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
