i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just want nice things and good sex
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
