Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
