Where did you get a picture of my penis
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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