so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
