how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
