the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
