dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
