you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
