I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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