the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm experimenting with sincerity
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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