Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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