On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
