so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My dick has a subreddit
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
