I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
