so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
