they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
