I think my fart just growled at me.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize