just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
