overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
