Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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