we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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