on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
