does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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